From the Vault: What do you believe in?

October 7, 2009

I believe in my child
in his innocence
his snot and sweat and kisses
I believe in smiles upon waking
which make me believe change is real
I believe in the brown walls of my girl-selfs home
and though it is broken I am not
I believe in courage. 
I hold it in my vulnerability.
I water it with faith and trust and openness

I have seen an abused woman turn abuser 
slinging insults and fists like lightning bolts
I have seen my father cry
leaving me behind
knowing it was the only way for us both to survive
I have seen the waters of the Sumpul
where tragedy flows red
and
the reclamation of that life source

I have had a partner stolen from me time and again.
Cos once you've been in
that's likely where you will end
I have been called a whore and a slut
because I like to fuck
and that's not okay for a proper lady to do
I have been denied pride
the confidence to walk with my head high
and the ability to tell truth from lie 
because I just want to be loved.

And if I can do anything at all I can
raise my boy to be a man
and that man does not equal
violence hate or posturing
but compassion equity and justice
I believe in my child
In being broken and rebuilt
In the courage to lay bare your soul 
regardless of unconfirmed judges
And I know
that with love work and hope
Mamas can raise babies who might not need as much rebuilding




**Written using a Reflect & Strengthen Our Sister's Behind the Wall writing prompt based on Assata Shakur's 'i believe in living'

A love note to music educators...

Yesterday I was outside Berklee waiting for the listening session to start and a couple yards away I spotted one of my former instructors speaking to a summer student. I watched her face, and mannerisms. I watched the student too, she was looking up at the instructor with so much respect and admiration, I could see the same feelings reflected back to the young student from the instructor. I couldn't hear their words but the tone was bubbling and happy. It was beautiful to watch because that same instructor had drawn out that same smile and energy from me numerous times. They said their goodbyes and parted ways, the instructor turned around and saw me smiling at her I said "Hey Darcel!" and she responded "OH MY GOD ALEXIA!!" and embraced me.

I was Darcel Wilson's student 17 years ago in the early years of City Music when we still called it SYSTEM-5. I was one of many vocalists in her ensemble, and far from the strongest one. I would spend the next 17 years graduating from CRLS, participating in SYSTEM-5 and 5 Week, and then the long and winding 13.5 year path to graduation from Berklee. Darcel has taught THOUSANDS of students over the years but she remembered me when I was absolutely certain she wouldn't. My heart boomed. I wanted to cry tears of... I don't know... joy? Recognition? Realness? (but obvs I didn't because mascara, duh!)

Berklee is a bustling place, it can feel like a revolving door. If you aren't a part of Singer's Showcase, it feels like you are nobody. Seeing Darcel reminded me I am one of thousands, but I AM ONE. I was not and am not invisible. Life really isn't about "who you know", but who knows you, and I needed that. <3 <3 <3